writer@elizabethbushey.com
First: be aware of your own bias. Pretty or handsome faces are likely to fool you into thinking the person is more trustworthy. Con artists -- and dates -- that are attractive are psychologically more prone to convince you they're telling the truth. Biologically, we are more predisposed to symmetry in nature. Overcome this bias. Liars don't wear it on their face.
Be aware of your own motivations, too. Sometimes liars succeed because we want to believe what they say. "Really? I can earn a million dollars at my poolside, just because you say so?"
or: "Honestly? You didn't come home last night because you were rescuing a family of puppies from drowning, and it took you all that time to find them all good homes?"
Come ON.
Microsigns are not usually this obvious - but they're there. Pay attention. Don't be fooled by the stereotypes. Not all liars blink, dart their eyes away from you, rub their noses, or shift uncomfortably.
In fact, practiced liars DON'T. They'll give you a good, firm, look in the eye.
To get to know whether people are lying, pay attention to their mannerisms. Start now. Is this a person who USUALLY rubs their nose, shifts uncomfortably, or darts their eyes? If so, when they are lying to you, they may not. Pay attention to DIFFERENT behavior.
What you will be looking for, in general, are what psychologists call "microsigns." They last less than a second, but they indicate "inappropriate emotions."
Giveaways - very, very slight - that the person is telling one thing, but feeling another.
Only less than 15 of almost 20,000 people studied have a natural ability to detect these signals, and they aren't all law enforcement officials. Look for a shrug in the middle of a positive statement, for instance, or a sigh. Although some people are naturally good at it, with practice, this technique can be learned.
Liars who are telling you WAY more than you need to hear about their excuses are probably not believable. Some things to look for in a liar include either a lack of specific detail in a story or too much detail. Consider the circumstances. For instance, often a liar has to make up a story on the spot. In that case, to ferret out the lie, casually get the liar to repeat the story by asking questions. Details will muddy or be inconsistent. In the case of too many specifics, this will be obvious, because the liar will be talking way too much.
For liars, it's not "all about me." Liars also tend to use less "first-person" words, like "I" or "me" in their spoken and written speech, according to one study that used language-analysis software.
World's Biggest Lie: "I'll call you." Liars, it's been shown, find it easier to lie on the phone, perhaps because of the depersonalization -- no face-to-face.
The main thing is to remember that while one does not want to lose one's faith in humankind, a little skepticism goes a long way.
The most difficult part of any sympathy card is finding the right words to say, many people find, and so often, they say nothing at all.
Unfortunately, saying almost anything at all is better than saying nothing. So taking a moment simply to say "I'm thinking about you, and I'm sorry for your loss" is often enough.
Begin with a standard greeting: Dear (your friend's name).
Avoid phrases like "I know how you feel." Instead, simply write that you are sorry for their loss. Write that you are thinking of them at this painful time.
Often, that is enough. If you wish also to offer your support, you can add: "Please feel free to call on me if you need anything." If you can, be specific in your offer, if you are close friends. For example: "Let me know if I can bring you (or your family supper one night this week. I'll call in a few days to see when a good evening might be to drop off a lasagna."
Again, if this is a close friend, and you have experienced a similar loss -- say, of a parent -- you may offer a note of comradeship, for example:
"I remember how difficult it was when I lost my own father four years ago. My thoughts (and prayers, if appropriate) are with you (and your family)."
Keep it short. You don't need to, or want to, say very much, since the family will be receiving many cards. You don't need to be sparklingly original.
The main thing is to express that you care. And the above will do the trick.
Your teen or tween has suddenly morphed from someone who saw you as their favorite hero into a sullen, silent stranger to whom you are now the dorkiest geek on the planet. Now how do you connect with this lanky door-slammer?
Remember that you are the parent. Everything positive you say is going to go through this filter: “You’re my mom/dad. You’re SUPPOSED to think I’m terrific” and will automatically be discounted as stupid and worthless. Therefore avoid generic statements, and instead be specific in your praise.
Be aware that if you tell a teenager NOT to do something, it practically compels them to do it, or at least plants an irresistible urge in them to do it. With that in mind, try to keep communications positive. For example, instead of laying down a curfew: “I want you in this house NO LATER THAN 11 p.m.!”
Try negotiating a positive, mutually respectful plan together. “Let’s talk together about how late we feel comfortable about you being out. How does 10 sound? Okay, what about 11? Can we both live with 11? And if you’ll be later, you’ll call. If you don’t call, let’s talk together about consequences, because even adults have the respect for each other to touch base.”
Be as approachable as possible. You want to keep the lines of communication open, although you want to avoid a “best friend” relationship. Ensure that your teenager knows you are clearly not his or her friend; you have a more unique and special place in their life – you are their parent. You can be confided in, you are someone they can call in case of trouble – for instance, if they are at a party, there’s been drinking going on, and they are stuck – but that there WILL be consequences.
It’s a delicate balance. You want your teenager to know there are rules – all kids need them – but you don’t want your teenager to be so afraid that they don’t call you for help when they need you. One way around this is an “amnesty zone” in times of trouble. For example, talk ahead of time about various scenarios, such as “What would you do if your date was too drunk to drive you home, or if you found yourself in some other awkward situation?”
Explain that your teenager can call you in the middle of the night, no questions asked. That no scolding will occur at the time of crisis – and that the situation will be discussed later, when cooler heads prevail.
Make sure your teenager feels as much a part of your family as possible. The teen years are when a developing adult begins to separate naturally, and to take on more independent responsibilities, including jobs, probably more challenging schoolwork, and a social network that takes place more and more away from home. The temptation is to give the teenager more and more freedom, which is good, but parents need also to connect the teenager with the homefront.
Keep regularly scheduled family dinners, even though the teenager may miss a few. Insist that your teenager perform regular household chores, just like everyone else, though you may lighten his or her load, using your own judgment based on the big picture of the rest of their responsibilities. It’s important they feel they’re contributing to the family, even if it’s just taking out everybody’s garbage once a week.
Go the extra mile and find out what your teenager is reading, what they’re listening to, what they’re watching on TV, what they’re surfing to on the Internet. You don’t have to snoop – just inquire. You don’t have to try to be cool. You never will be more than a dork at this point – but your interest, despite their ridicule, will mean something to them.
Check out the New York Times Bestseller List and take the time to read a young adult novel. It will give you enormous insight into what’s going on inside teenager’s minds and hearts these days, and the writing is nearly always far superior to adult books, so you’re guaranteed to enjoy the book.
Spend time with your teen. Have lunch. Knock on the door and sit on the bed. You don’t have to worry about finding the right words. If it’s been a while since you’ve talked, don’t worry about filling a half an hour with small talk. Just pop in and say hi. Then do it again the next day. And again the next.
After a week, and another week, you’ll find yourself having more to say. Ask about his or her day. Tell them about yours. Treat them with the same respect you accord your co-workers, or your adult friends. You’ll be amazed at how your teenager will open up.
Open itunes.
Navigate to the iTunes menu and select "preferences."
Click the "Advanced" tab.
You'll see three choices: General, Importing, and Burning. Click "Importing."
Below, in the dialog box, where it asks:
Import Using:
You'll see several choices. Choose MP3 encoder.
Close the preference pane.
Select the song in the music library, which you have, of course, legally downloaded.
Look for the menu tab at the top that says "Advanced." Click and hold down.
You will see one of the command choices is now: "Convert to MP3."
This will make a copy of the song in MP3 format.
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Pencils photographed by Elizabeth Bushey, © 2006.